


There's weird, and there's weird with a dress on

by OrphanText



Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Crossdressing, Gen, Genderfluid Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 21:44:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5264765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrphanText/pseuds/OrphanText
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And it's Kuroba in a dress while shopping for Hakuba's birthday gift.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's weird, and there's weird with a dress on

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: ice-evanesco
> 
> All other mistakes belong to me
> 
> Another late night run shoddy fic + gross creepy guy everyone has seen once in their lifetime
> 
> Cleaned up from tumblr

The guy’s late.

Heiji taps his foot impatiently, checking his watch and then glancing at the clock on display in the shop across from him. They are all in agreement that Kuroba is being _late_ , and… he isn’t exactly unhappy, but it’s just _manners_ to be on time, is all he’s saying.

If it were anyone else, he would have probably ditched with a phone call, but Kudo’s put him up to his, and he knows he can’t say no when it comes to Kudo, best friends and all.

They had met in university, Kuroba hanging off of Kudo’s book bag like a leech and whining incessantly, while Kudo ignores his general existence in favour of scrolling through the news feed on his phone. It had made a strange sight, even stranger still to Heiji, who knows that Kudo dislikes any sort of physical closeness, for one. And two, because then Kudo had sat them all down for lunch, promptly introduced Kuroba as his boyfriend, then acted like he didn’t just pull the rug out from beneath Heiji and went back to his news feed.

His thoughts were as follows (roughly, excuse the inaccuracy due to general emotional state of shock):

Whatever happened to Ran-nee chan??

Why the fuck?

What _is_ Kuroba?

Boyfriend??

Kuroba didn’t seem like a normal, sane person - to Heiji, at least. Not the kind of person he envisioned Kudo ending up with, too. He is a little too chipper, a little too carefree, loud and boisterous and the opposite of everything that he thought Kudo looked for in his relationship. But then he sees the intelligent, thoughtful gaze that Kuroba has in moments in between, like when Kudo starts running around like a headless chicken that doesn’t know responsibility when it hits him in the face for a case, and he has to reassess everything again.

He trusts his instincts. He just doesn’t quite trust the guy so much yet.

It’s going on twenty minutes, now, and Heiji is about to give up texting and just calling him to give him an earful when a girl saunters up next to him and loops her arm around his own. No - wait - turn this back a mo’ - not a girl.

Kuroba. Kuroba Kaito. In a summer dress, kitten heels, and clip on pigtails. He even has make up on.

He stares.

“I’m sorry, were you waiting for long?” Kuroba grins at him. “I got us ice lollies on the way. Here, have one.”

He produces the two cold treats with a practiced flourish, but that’s not important.

“Why are you - ?” He checked himself before he could work himself up into proper shouting range, and settles for pulling his cap off his head to run his hands through his hair in frustration. “What are you doing?”

“Shopping for Hakuba’s birthday present, or so I was told to do.” Kuroba doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest bit, and holds up the ice lollies. “They’re melting, chop chop.”

Because he doesn’t want to deal, not right here, right now, Heiji grabs one of the lollies at random and rips into the plastic with more force than necessary. Kuroba takes his time, peeling the wrapper away and sticking the treat into his mouth, humming a popular song that’s been on the top ten charts recently.

“Why,” Heiji manages, when he’s more or less certain that he wouldn’t go screaming bonkers in public. “Are you dressed as a girl?”

“Guessed you were conservative,” Kuroba replies, bemused. “It does suit me, no?”

“No. Does Kudo know?” About his boyfriend being a shameless freak? Heiji is betting on no. Or maybe yes. He doesn’t know which is worse. Normal people have limits, and Kuroba came without a single breaker.

“He knows,” Kuroba says, and well. Time to put the deep breathing exercises into practice. “I don’t see what’s wrong with this. Will it help you if you call me Shiomi instead?”

“ _No_. Just - “ He holds up a finger, and getting the cue (surprisingly), Kuroba quietens.

They walk aimlessly along a few streets, Kuroba carefree as always and Heiji deep in though, unsubtly casting looks his way.

“No one can tell, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

He watches Kuroba in the reflection of a glass display, gaze drifting down before snapping back up to his face, blushing. Kuroba’s smirking again, and it’s annoying. _He’s_ annoying. He smooths a hand down his dress, gives a dainty twirl, then winks at him through his reflection.

His cheeks burn.

“I’m not worried about that,” he says, a little surprised at the honesty in his own statement. So, what then is he being worked up about?

Kuroba watches him knowingly, but doesn’t allow for him to dwell on the new question for long, turning towards the shops in a clear change of subject. “Shinichi’s suggested books. I’m thinking more towards food, and maybe something for his bird. What about you?”

“That’s surprisingly… normal.”

“You think so? It’s never too late to change my mind.”

“Please don’t.” That’s what he is here for. Kudo will have his head, if he lets Kuroba make a sham out of Hakuba’s gifts.

Kuroba only laughs, then takes hold of his hand and pulls him into the first shop.

Shopping pushes the other thoughts out of his mind, calming him down as they puzzle over the best gift for their friend. The thought worries at him, however, and Heiji still finds himself watching Kuroba in moments when the other’s attention is elsewhere.

He isn’t… different, per se. He’s still acting like Kuroba, only more mindful of his gestures, likely due to the short length of his dress, but he’s still as loud and as chatty and every bit as dramatic. He’s also pitched his voice to sound like a female’s, possibly to avoid unwanted attention, and nobody pays him any attention, other than to compliment him on his dress, or the knitted bag slung across his shoulder. Kuroba only takes it all in stride, answering with a compliment and a cheerful wave or a grin.

He’s still pulling the trick with the roses as well, Heiji notices, as the girls giggle and shyly take the flower from him, laughing when he tucks the flower into their hair for them.

Kuroba can probably make an attractive girl if he squints, and tries really hard to forget about the eye-glaring fact that Kuroba is _male_. Apparently he also has a good taste in fashion, or so the girls he’s currently talking to keep telling him.

“I love this bag! I knitted it myself,” Kuroba grins proudly.

They browse through numerous stores, before Heiji finally decides on a suitable gift. Kuroba is still browsing the shelves, tapping a finger against his bottom lip. As Heiji watches, he begins to gravitate towards the back of the store where the gag gifts are stored.

“But he likes clocks!” Kuroba wails as Heiji firmly steers him away from the shelf.

“He won’t like one that hits him in the face when the alarm goes off, and he doesn’t need a talking coin bank either,” Heiji tells him, and Kuroba visibly wilts, dragging his feet along as he allows Heiji to pull him out of the store. He does brighten up visibly when he spots something across the street, and hauls Heiji along.

“Gotta get one for Aoko,” he insists, and Heiji has to stand amidst a mountain of soft toys while he digs enthusiastically through them. Shaking his head at the sight, he pulls out his phone, snaps a photo, and quickly sends it off to Kudo.

_And here I was thinking that I’m your best friend._

Ping. _What’s wrong?_

“Come on, let’s go. I want to get dinner before I go home.” Kuroba hustles up with a huge bag under his arm, a giraffe peeking out of it. “Can we get cake before that?”

“It’s on you if Kudo finds out,” Heiji shrugs, and Kuroba punches the air with a small sound of victory.

It’s nothing Kuroba wouldn’t have done, on any normal day. Heiji tugs on the bill of his cap thoughtfully, trailing after him. He isn’t going out of his way to make people uncomfortable, and he isn’t acting obnoxious (well, anymore than usual), and it just doesn’t add up.

Perhaps, he thinks, watching Kuroba shovel chocolate cake into his mouth, the problem doesn’t lie with him.

“Don’t you have to touch up your lipstick or something?”

“Why do you say that?” Kuroba drops his napkin back onto the empty plate, already ready to leave.

“B-because Kazuha does.” He flushes under the other’s gaze for no reason, feeling all of a sudden too out of his depth. “Girls always do when they’re done eating - “

He pauses, cutting the rest of his sentence off as something occurs to him. It’s there, but it hasn’t taken shape yet, and though he can’t put a word to it, he thinks he’s on the right track. Kuroba only smiles enigmatically, and gestures for him to follow.

They run into a problem not soon after.

(Nothing like murder, because only Kudo has luck like that. You could attend a funeral with him and at the end of the day it wouldn’t just be one person dead.)

The problem is a man.

“You don’t look like you know magic, girlie.”

He’s all hair gel and cologne and male desperation, the kind who wears sleek, pointed toe leather shoes and doesn’t realise they come across as a complete jerk instead of vaguely tolerable nice guy. The kind who is all smiles and slime underneath, and just the type of people he despises the most.

Kuroba only smiles.

“They say not to judge a book by it’s cover,” he says, and Heiji’s blood boils at the way the man is looking at Kuroba, at the oily patronising smile he’s got on. It’s frankly disgusting.

“Well, that’s cute. Perhaps you do know some magic,” the man says, when Kuroba pulls a simple coin trick. The smile on his friend’s face doesn’t falter, and remains very firmly opaque. Heiji wants him to step away, put down his purchase, and to get the hell out of his shop. Tokyo’s big. He’s sure they can find another magicians’ supply shop elsewhere. “Any beginner can do that, though. Did you learn it off youtube?”

“No, my father taught me,” Kuroba says, all good nature and cheer. “He’s very good at it.”

“Is he? I can show you a few tricks, if you like. I bet you’ve never seen them before. Not even your dad can do it.”

“I haven’t?” Kuroba feigns polite interest, and they both freeze as the man reaches out to catch a hold of Kuroba’s wrist, and that is about when Heiji has enough. The guy is fucking slimy, and even if Kuroba can stand him, Heiji can’t, and he’s sure that Kudo would do the same.

“Kuroba, I think we’re done here.” He shoulders in between them, forcing the man to let go of Kuroba. “We can get what you need elsewhere.”

“Bit rude, aren’t you? We were just having a nice chat.” The man draws back a little, but remains stupidly persistent. Heiji’s skin crawls. “The girlie’s interested in magic, so I was gonna show her how professionals do it.”

“The hell you do.” Heiji bats his hand away as it comes close again. “Kuroba’s far better than you in that regard, and needs no pointer from you. Touch my friend again, and I’m going to punch you.”

“Hattori,” Kuroba says quietly over his shoulder, and god damn the guy - he’s finding the entire situation amusing, if the silent shaking of his shoulders are anything to go by. Before Heiji can combust on the spot because the shopkeeper is pissing him the hell of and because Kuroba is quietly not-laughing at him, his friend is hauling him out of the shop with a jaunty goodbye to the man.

“Why are you - letting him - “ Heiji all but chokes with frustration, and Kuroba does laugh outright, leaning against a wall for support, because he is laughing that hard.

“You would have punched him? For me?” Kuroba sniffs, trying to get his laughter under control but failing as he dissolves into another laughing fit, going completely red in the face. “I’m so touched.”

“If you punch him, you’ll just chip your nail polish.” His face must be on fire by now, and Heiji crosses his arms, trying to feel anything but embarrassed instead.

“You’ve noticed? It’s a pretty colour, isn’t it?” Kuroba grins, showing him his fingers. Then, he smiles, sly and secretive, the look in his eyes turning serious even though his demeanour remains playful. “You didn’t have to do that, though.”

“I know you’re not a girl.” Heiji says, and it sounds important, when voiced out into the open. “You’re… well, I don’t _know_. You’re still my friend. Just… “ he waves a hand over him, indicating his hair and dress. “I don’t think how you look or dress should be indicative of how I should be treating you. That’s… wrong. But that was special circumstance. He had no right to tell you a thing about being professional, and if it were Kudo instead of you, I would have done the same, except he would be a friend and let me deck him.”

“That’s an offence,” Kuroba grins. “Besides, I wouldn’t have settled for just _punching_ him.”

The grin has Heiji looking back towards the shop. Due to the tinted glass that the guy has, he can’t see anything inside, so he turns back to Kuroba who looks like a cat with a canary in its paws. “What did you do?”

“Magic tricks I learned off youtube.” The cheeky shit.

“Right… I’m sorry.”

He senses more than sees Kuroba’s surprise, and tries hard not to flush again. He is, however, being serious. Although they tend to dismiss Kuroba’s antics and mannerisms as just another of his ways to annoy them and to attract attention, this isn’t one of those times. This isn’t a prank, or a trick to garner him attention, or to draw some kind of reaction that he wanted. This was, if Heiji is right, just Kuroba being Kuroba, and Heiji had thought that he was just being made fun of initially, when it had absolutely nothing to do with him.

“Who knows? You _can_ learn.” Kuroba raises his eyebrows in wonder, and ducks the swipe from Heiji, laughing.

“Does Hakuba know?” Heiji coughs.

“Mm, no. I rather thought that he would have an aneurysm. He’s come to term with a lot of things, but I don’t think he’s ready for this yet. Anyway, look what I got him.”

“...when did you get that?”

“A while back?”

“You’re _not_ giving that to him.” Kudo is going to have his head. “Get him something else. Like those tea flavoured kit kats or something.”

“Those are for me! He won’t appreciate them.”

In the end, he was unable to stop Kuroba from purchasing a couple of gag gifts for Hakuba, although the shirt is rather fitting, an opinion which he keeps to himself. Kuroba does obligingly pick up a scarf, and hopefully that will appease Kudo regarding proper gift ideas, so Heiji relents.

::

_!!! (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑_

Ping. _I told you so._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know shit about this stuff but I suppose this is what Kaito could be wearing:
> 
>  
> 
> Dress:
> 
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/351703052127901022/
> 
> Heels:
> 
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/475903885601993607/


End file.
